Thoughts of the Night

1. Wishing my not-so-little-brother a happiest birthday of all time. Some sweet pictures taken by my parents posted on my previous post. He’s 28 and so much taller than me. Let me go cry in a corner of the room now – thanks.

2. When I was booking for my flight to Lubbock, TX for one my best friend’s baby shower next month, I noticed that it was the same weekend as Z’s one-week trip to Colorado for his snowboarding trip (why do we always end up traveling separately but at the same time?!). Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it work better for us, so I’m flying out the day before him. Apparently, I had forgotten that he intentionally booked a later Saturday flight to spend a little more time with me that day before he leaves.

First reaction: Oh no! I am sorry. I totally forgot. So, so sorry to leave you by yourself for an entire Saturday!

Second reaction (10 minutes later): Why in the world I am apologizing for this?! He is the one leaving me for a whole week to go snowboarding for the second time in two months. #$%$#@^$%$%@&(*%^&

I tend to internalize my thoughts for a very long time before letting anything out in a verbal form. I go through a cycle of emotions and thoughts and analysis to determine if I’m being irrational/emotional/being a crazy wife. Ok, now that I am typing this out…I do sound a little crazy!! Anyways, the fact is that Z is an avid snowboarder/winter sports guy and I am not. Because my precious vacation days are currently all reserved for weddings (everyone, stop getting married! Jk.), I simply could not afford the luxury to hop on a plane and go travel with him. My selfish desire would be that he stays home during all given vacation days so he can do the cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the dogs, and etc., but I know that will make him miserable, thus driving me insane.

In the end, I will get over this. He will go on his snowboard adventure, and I will get to eat whatever I want (aka not cooking) and watch whatever TV show/anime I want. I do understand his need to get away and do something active and different because his work lifestyle is just…not that desireable to be honest. But, I do need to stop apologizing about everything when it doesn’t really warrant an apology. Does anyone have this problem?

3. Being a physician resident’s wife can be a lonely journey. Since we moved here in June 2014, most of my (new) friends were formed through Z’s residency program. It’s actually quite hard to form friends at work, especially when your office co-workers 40s and 50s (I am by far the youngest). I, of course, enjoy working with them, but it’s a little different when it comes having a social life with such age gap. The natural introvert in me would typically hide out in the house and binge watch TV and perpetually work on house chores, but lately, I have become better at reaching out to people. Even if those new people might be another resident’s wife/girlfriend/partner etc. I have been intentionally going out more and doing things like yoga or a night event together with those ladies regardless of what Z’s work schedules look like. Constantly waiting for him to be available is no more.

However, whenever I come home, I await to always-tired husband who eats everything in 5 minutes and passes out anywhere he lays his head on. It always follows with an apology the next morning because he just snoozed away so early in the evening. And, I always say it’s ok. It really is – I do completely understand. It does get tiring trying to guess when he’ll come home because I hate putting cold food on the table. It would be nice if I have some telepathic way of communicating with him. The lack of consistency with schedule/waiting game is a little annoying sometimes. Being patient is everything in this particular marriage. And, our dogs are amazing companions. Not sure how I would survive this so-called residency life without those furry, loyal babies.

I go through this cycle of loneliness and joy of being an independent woman who doesn’t rely her emotion on her husband’s physical presence (aka being able to do things alone – I love this about myself). Occasionally, in between, there is a slight resentment toward the career he chose. I think, tonight, it’s just a little bit of loneliness. I miss my husband. I miss date nights. I miss he wants to cook for me. I miss the not-always-so-tired guy. Actually, I am exhausted from work, too. We are essentially an overworked married couple in our late 20s that just need some date nights planned by the husband, not the wife.

So that’s it – my long list of thoughts floating in my head right now. It is good to be able to write it all out instead of keeping it to myself. Another busy day tomorrow. Sleep well.

#livesofdrwives #randomthoughts #residencylife